Drunken Thoughts - Yuletide Retard Syndrome

One of the most hallowed of all baseball records was broken this weekend. Barry Bonds went yard and passed Ruth on the all-time home run list.
Other (alleged) Bonds achievements:
a) Most Clomid injections taken without producing a pregnancy
b) Most Cattle Ranches shut down in one year after halting of Beef Roid injections
c) Most acne medication absorbed into skin for male over 40. Close second = Edward James Olmos.
d) Greatest ratio of Cranium Gain to Brain Loss ever recorded.

Apparently the NHL resolved the labor dispute months ago. They've pulled a far more impressive magic act than David Blaine could ever dream of - Play an entire season of hockey without anyone noticing. This begs the question: Are there any other Canadian traditions we can take from our northern neighbor and poop on?

I truly enjoy cigarettes. But, due to all the health issues involved, I don't want to start smoking them now. My plan? On my 65th birthday - if I make it that long - I'll start smoking. Why not? If all the problems related to smoking are due to long-term use then what have I got to lose? I'll start with the least toxic and gradually work my way up the Toxicity Ladder:
Age 65 - Cigarettes
Age 75 - Pot
Age 85 - Crystal Meth
Age 95 - Heroin
Age 105 - McDonald's French Fries

Miami Dolphin running back and poster-boy for the anti-drug movement, Ricky Williams, signed with the CFL (Canadian Football League). He is serving a one-year suspension from the NFL due to substance abuse issues. His new team name is the Toronto Argonauts. Opponents on the Argonauts schedule include most of the AFL (Arena Football League) farm teams:
a) Ottawa Nobodies
b) Montreal Suspension Servers
c) Calgary Scrubs
d) Toronto Draft Busts

And this word from the Canadian Commissioner of Football: "Thanks a lot America for taking our beloved Hockey, crapping all over it and replacing it with this cheap, lousy product that people only watch if ESPN is showing Competitive Cheerleading or if we're broadcasting at the same time as a WNBA game."

On the Conspiracy Front, I believe I've discovered a new virus epidemic. While it may appear as a subtle form of Intoxication Induced Stupidity (or IIS), this virus seems to have mutated into a more virulent form. Recently, there have been several reports of men getting stuck in chimneys. If this was December, we could simply classify the phenomena as "Yuletide Retard Syndrome", but since it's not December, we may have a problem. Observe:
1) April 22 (Hayward, CA) - A drunk man stripped off his clothes and scuttled down the chimney after locking himself out of his house.
2) May 14 (New York) - A burglar got stuck in a chimney and was rescued by the next door neighbor.
3) May 22 (Brawley, CA) - A man was found in a chimney after falling in. Though he says he was "just stargazing", he's been booked on burglary charges. Oh yeah, and he also had a warrant for his arrest due to a DUI.

The CDC is keeping an eye on this potential epidemic. If you look on your roof and see a shirtless man with a forty ounce bottle of malt-liquor, please stand clear and call 911 at once. You may be saving his life. But more importantly, you might be keeping your chimney from getting clogged up.