Drunken Thoughts - Week of 3/13/06

Isaac Hayes announced his departure from the series "Southpark". He claimed to be offended by the show's portrayal of Scientology in a recent episode. I guess poking fun at Mormons, Christians, Jews and Muslims is great satire, but focusing on the religion with the least amount of credibility is just plain wrong.

Tom Cruise joined him in protest by threatening a boycott. Just a reminder that along with making fun of Scientology, this episode showed Tom Cruise refusing to come out of a closet. The interview may have gone something like this:

TOM CRUISE - Hell yeah, I'm boycotting that episode!
REPORTER - You didn't agree with their portrayal of Scientology?
TOM CRUISE - Scien- what-agy?
REPORTER - Scientology.
TOM CRUISE - Watch me slap Katie Holmes on the ass. I'm so straight.
REPORTER - But Tom, why are you against this episode?
TOM CRUISE - You know I was married to Nicole Kidman, right? Did you see Eyes Wide Shut? I banged her hard, just like a straight guy. YEAH!

Mike Wallace confirmed that he will be leaving 60 Minutes at the end of this season. When reached for comment, the 88 year old announced: "My colon would like to make a brief statement: There seems to be a poopy in Mike Wallace's pants. No further questions."

Reminder to all countries involved in the WBC: Real Baseball starts in April.
Even if your country wins the WBC, your best players will be returning to the United States next month. At which time, you will all go back to being known as "One of the countries that hates us."

Do you feel good about humanity? Think there's no true evil in this world? Follow these three easy steps. This is my proven remedy for the affliction commonly known as 'Optimism."

a) Set up a Myspace account (www.myspace.com) and describe yourself as a 12 year old girl who is "Looking to make new friends."

b) Sit back for about a week, and watch the emails come pouring in. You'll make lots of new friends. Most of whom would very much like to meet you. New friends like "Youth Taker" "Pacifier", "Pamper Sniffer" and "No Pubes Pleaz"

c) Set up a date to meet your new friend. Before you leave for the meeting, remember to bring along Mr. Police Man or, if you really want to take care of the problem, bring along Mr. Baseball Bat.